Dealing with a miscarriage

Haven’t posted in a long time and thought i was a bit overdue.

So we had a baby on the way. Due date would have been July 2014.

We didnt hear a heartbeat at the first appointment. Told not to worry and we’d wait til next appointment. I still had a bit of morning sickness, really just a bit of gagginess.
Both of us were so good at taking our vitamins. Stress was being eliminated work-wise.
We were really getting ready to nest.

Then the second appointment, 13 weeks in, still no heartbeat. We went for a sonogram and
everything was there, placenta, egg sack. Just no baby. Apparently it had been reabsorbed.

At first I think Adam had hoped it was just hard to see but I knew, and when the technician went to get the doctor, I started crying.

Almost immediately I thought how am going to try again and really be healthier this time. I started taking some strides towards this already, but really want to minimize my stress as much as possible and to be healthier.

During my pregnancy, I had so little energy. And I hear this is normal, and that walking can help. I hope that there will be a next time, and i will already be back to regular exercise.

I also thought how am I going to tell people, after being so excited?
I had read how some people don’t announce their pregnancy until after X weeks. I decided to go with the way of thinking – share the joy when you have it. So many people new we were expecting. Anyway I was at 13, i thought it was safe anyway.

So we called family first, and then I posted on Facebook. It was really amazing the outpouring of love from friends. And although I was still very sad, and it doesn’t make the sadness go away, it was somehow comforting to find out how COMMON this is, and that many people I knew had miscarriages and went on to have a few kids after.

Its been tough. Had to say No to certain work projects and felt like a loser for not being able to get it all done.

Emotions were up and down. Honestly, I didnt even think of using essential oils until reminded by my friend. Clary Calm had an almost immediate effect on my well being and I woke up to the fact that I was being really hard on myself.

So not doing that anymore, thinking positive and taking things one day at a time.

Hey My Surprise Birthday Party is now Public! What will you do?

The idea is yes, Im taking my birthday as an opportunity to ask you for something.

Surprise me….with something that you do FOR YOU.

This is VIRTUAL people no excuses.
The location is Earth – you can all make it.

The idea is, that YOU, do something on June 19th, that you have been putting off, and then tell me about it. Privately, or if you wish you can post here.

Ive been doing a few of these lately and it has made me feel really, really good.

So, you know what that means to you.

Also, if you feel inspired to do something new, and you tell yourself, nah i dont have the _________ ($, resources, creativity, time, courage) – then PLEASE try and do that.

Inspiration to me is spiritual, and you shouldnt let those opportunities go by.

So please, honor yourself.

I will be in Arizona on this day, and I return Friday.

If you would like to do something in person, well, I will be in Arizona. BUT…maybe we can meet in Pittsburgh/Swissvale on Sunday or you can contact Adam about what we might do.

P.S. If you feel really stuck, Im working on a community sourced art project, so remind me to hit you up an dask for your help with that.  Literally would take as little as 30 seconds of your time, unless you feel compelled to do more.


Life is short. Are you happy? If not, are you thankful?

smiley-faceLife is short. Are you happy? Im not without my moments of sadness, but this post is about some major life decisions that made ME happy.  I truly believe that the move towards more positive things all have the same, not too mysterious thing in common. Opening yourself up to better opportunities by being thankful.

On work. At one company three of us would have pow-wows in a cubicle about how we needed to GET OUT.  Afterall, the workplace is where we typically spend a majority of our time. Why make it such a negative experience?  I was thankful that I could compare notes with others that life didn’t need to be this way. So two of us left. The third who stayed continued to be miserable.  Others I knew wanted to leave but were too scared. A steady paycheck kept them there. Leaving was scary for me too, but overall I was thankful for an improved environment, and no longer needing to witness the ego-centric director cutting employees down and not giving them room to grow.  Starting my own company has not been without its ups and downs, and screaming clients and co-contractors, but I’m thankful that I have learned to let this not bother me, to still be able do my work to the best of my ability, and seek to work with more positive people and organizations.  I am thankful for my clients, and the opportunity to work with new technologies, and freedom. They say 5 years is the test – and well, been-there-done-that-feel-confident.

On the personal side of things, I was married to someone where there was a lot of anger, jealousy,  and verbal abuse, as well as control issues. I told myself that life is too short to be miserable like this. I left, after feeling guilty for leaving. Growing up in a yelling household, it just seemed like that was normal. Im just so thankful that I woke up. That others told me to get out.  From what I hear, his life is better too, with one of the people who told me to get out.  Its truly amazing how life works out sometimes, I truly am wishing nothing but the best to them both. And am also thankful for another couple who had the opportunity to meet and have such an amazing love due to the shifts that were made.

I wasn’t sure at all were life would take me, if I would marry again, or have a family. I dated. I attracted others who liked my free spirit, but most would also want to keep it bottled up.  Im thankful that I had these experiences, I met some really great people, but it just didn’t work for me. Later I thought I met my soulmate, and with tears and puking, we said goodbye. I never really understood why, and the lack of closure made me uncomfortable. I didnt think I would feel that intense and safe about someone again.

Now I am with such an amazing man. Adam Lipinski Adam Lipinski Adam Lipinski. So nice I must say it thrice. He is kind, gentle, amazingly genius-ly smart with barely a high school education.  An amazing chef, mechanic, fixer-of-things-broken, artist, mountain biker, skateboarder and a ninja-neer.  When we were interviewed by a reporter from Yahoo News, for our uniquely “out there” wedding, he said “He’s a good one to have around for Armageddon”.  He is also so kind and gentle and patient with everyone.  It makes me cry happy tears when I think of how much I love him.  And Im so thankful that I never let degrees or titles stand between me and my amazing husband.  We just decided this past weekend, while surrounded by such loving friends and a beautiful burn at Scorched Nuts, to try and have a child. If it doesn’t work out, perhaps adoption. We both want to shower our child with love and help them to find their way – to foster their interests, to find a way to help them to learn and grow in a way that school didn’t work for Adam, and doesn’t work for a lot of people.

I am so thankful for the people that I know well, and even acquaintances.  I have met such interesting people who have touched my life in so many ways. I have amazing friends in and out of the burner, hasher, geeky, arty, and wine communities.

Again, it’s not like I am without sadness at times, and the passing of someone that worked for me this week rocked my foundation a bit, and just made me take stock.  I cried a lot. For her, for her young children, and for my own thoughts of how life is short and not wanting it to end anytime soon. I also cried too for those who I know who are genuinely unhappy. Those who make the same commitments to be saddened deeper – again and again. I wanted to try and inject some catalyst for them..something that could make them possibly start to smile. I read in a Buddhist book once, “The saddest thing is knowing you cannot help those that you love.”

I realize that for there to be real change, people must help themselves. I just hope that some might try to find thanks in the littlest things, because I know this advice helped me when going through my divorce.

When I look at when things have been dark in my life, when I purposely started to give thanks for even the smallest of positive things,  it set something in motion.  To me I would compare it to those who deny 11:11 having any meaning, but try to keep an open mind. (like celebrating 11/11 just because).  Later, they start to see 11:11 everywhere, and it becomes a positive for them. I believe so strongly that if you take stock and give thanks to the small things, it’s like placing an order with some higher being (with the Universe, with God, with yourself) for bigger and better things.

In focusing on being thankful for the small things, I feel I have attracted into my life some major big things. I know for certain it has worked for me. I know this has worked for others. If you are not happy, why wait? Why not *try* to find that small thing that made you even half smile today?

Feeling very philosophical and thankful this morning. Feeling like no matter what – I am winning.

Not competing against anyone else, but just comparing to how I could have been if I were not trying, not risking, not failing, not succeeding.  Winning my life. Adam asked me if I smoked something this morning as I couldnt stop gushing at being happy and loving him – and well, just saying some other very silly things. But, no, Im high on life.

Well, and maybe some caffeine.

Thanks for reading this. I hope you do try to give thanks everyday to something or someone.

If you have ever found, or find in the future, that being thankful works for you, I would love to hear your stories.